dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
