You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
