We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
