i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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