I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
