you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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