I wish I could teleport
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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