my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
