From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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