the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
