I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
