Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
