John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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