He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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