I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
