WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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