he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
