I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
