Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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