I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
