i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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