the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
