Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Found your dick twin last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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