i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
