Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
