booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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