You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
