it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
