I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
