Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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