The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
this is an emotional support booty call
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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