dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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