I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
