Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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