Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
too bad you live with your parents still
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
