The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
