I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
