I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
