If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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