i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
