where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
