im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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