i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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