Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
