He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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