Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
