i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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