i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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