i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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