Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
